Disappointment can quietly build up in relationships. It might show up in a sigh, a cold silence, a sarcastic comment. Or maybe it stays hidden — an ache you carry but can’t quite name.
So often, behind that disappointment sits an expectation.
Some expectations are fair and healthy: I expect to be treated with kindness. I expect honesty. I expect to be considered.
But others are unspoken, inherited, unrealistic — or simply unknown to the person we’re in relationship with.
And the hard truth is: when we don’t name our expectations, they tend to turn into resentments.
Where expectations come from
Expectations are shaped by all sorts of things:
– the family we grew up in
– past relationships (especially where we were hurt)
– culture, media, faith communities
– personality and attachment style
– even our own unmet needs from childhood
We often carry these expectations into relationships without realising it. And they tend to follow one of two paths: either we keep trying to get them met and feel increasingly let down… or we bury them, and quietly begin to disconnect.
Expectation or need? How to tell the difference
An expectation often sounds like:
“You should know what I need.”
“You should make more effort.”
“If you really cared, you’d…”
A healthy need sounds more like:
“I feel connected when we spend time talking without distractions.”
“It would mean a lot to me if you could check in before staying late.”
The difference?
An expectation is often silent, rigid, or laced with assumption. A need is vulnerable, named, and makes space for dialogue.
How to shift the cycle
Here’s a simple but powerful reflection process:
1. Name the disappointment.
What’s the thing that keeps leaving you feeling frustrated, hurt, or unseen?
2. Ask what you were expecting.
Try this journal prompt: “I expected them to…”
3. Get curious about the origin.
Where did this expectation come from? Is it something you ever clearly asked for?
4. Turn it into a need.
What would be the kindest, clearest way to express what you *do* need — rather than what they *should* have done?
A gentle note if you’re scared to name your needs
If you grew up in environments where your needs were dismissed, ignored, or punished, you may have learned to silence them as a form of self-protection.
You might feel that even recognising a need is “too much,” let alone voicing it.
But naming a need doesn’t make you needy. It makes you human.
And the right relationship creates space to hear your needs — even if it can’t always meet them perfectly.
Try this with someone you trust
You could say:
“I think I’ve been expecting something from you without ever naming it.
Can we talk about it? I’d love to feel closer, and I realise I haven’t been clear about what I need.”
That kind of conversation — honest, open, tender — can change everything.
You’re allowed to expect good things
This isn’t about lowering your expectations so you’re never disappointed.
It’s about making sure the expectations you carry are *yours*, not inherited.
That they’re spoken, not silently resented.
And that they create connection, not pressure.
Closing
If this has stirred something for you, or if you’re realising just how many expectations you’ve been carrying alone — we’d love to support you.
You’re already in the right place. You can book a free initial chat here to explore how we might work together — whether you’re navigating this as a couple or on your own.
Sometimes one clear need — gently named — can shift a whole dynamic.
